Delicate Conversation Scripts

Overview

A structured approach to delivering difficult feedback that relies on observable facts rather than judgment, reducing defensiveness and clarifying expectations.

Core principle: Your job is to drive results, not make employees happy. But doing it well preserves the relationship AND improves performance.

The Six-Step Script

┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ 1. NEUTRAL OPENING │ │ "I want to chat with you about [Topic]..." │ ├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ 2. OBSERVABLE EVIDENCE │ │ "What I am hearing/observing is [Specific Fact]..." │ │ NOT: "You're not a team player" │ │ YES: "In the last 3 meetings, you interrupted others 7x" │ ├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ 3. SHARED REALITY │ │ "We both know that to be successful here [Expectation]..." │ ├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ 4. THE STAKES │ │ "If this doesn't change, [Consequence]..." │ ├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ 5. THE PAUSE │ │ Check for reaction/defensiveness. │ │ "I notice you're getting emotional..." │ ├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ 6. THE FUTURE │ │ "I want to help you succeed by [Next Steps]..." │ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘

Key Principles

Principle Good Bad

Evidence Observable facts/data Judgments/feelings

Framing Career goals link Personal attack

Mindset Help them improve Vent your frustration

Reaction Hold the line Back down

Handling Emotional Reactions

When they get defensive/emotional:

• "I notice you're getting a little emotional..."

• "We can take a break if needed, but ultimately we need to have this conversation."

• Hold the line—don't back down just because it's uncomfortable.

Common Mistakes

• Vague to be "nice": Specifics are kinder in the long run

• Personality focus: Critique behavior, not character

• Backing down: When emotional reaction happens, persist

Example Application

Manager telling employee she's not getting promoted:

• ✗ "You're just not ready"

• ✓ "The skills we need for this role are X, Y, Z. My observation is you're strong in X but need development in Y and Z. I want to help you build those skills for the future."

Source: Alisa Cohn (Executive Coach, Top Startup Coach) via Lenny's Podcast